The Downward Spiral

waiting for Andy to go to the lake.. came across this song on his myspace.. it is probably the coolest thing I’ve ever heard.

Screwing You On The Beach At Night Lyrics
- Bloodhound Gang

*Growl*

Nothing heats up my jacuzzi like when
this used thong I found and bedazzled with gems
brushes ever so gently against some boobs.

I guess it’s hard to believe that one man
could have a ponytail this sensitive and
distract an aggressive hawk that’s cornered you.

I know my haiku’s are freaking intense
but even the words I made up to sound French
don’t express my feelings for your toilet parts.
I would show up for our pottery class
dressed like a pirate with John Water’s mustache
On a unicorn that shits your name in stars.

Fuckings cool, but Jimmy’s the romantic type.
Loitering on cliffs, thinking about stuff like,
Screwing you on the beach at night.(x2)

One milkshake, two straws.

Fuckings cool, but Jimmy’s the romantic type.
Loitering on cliffs, thinking about stuff like,
Screwing you on the beach at night.(x2)

Don’t I (Don’t I)
Sound so (Sound so)
Sexy (Sexy)
Echo (Echo.)(x2)

Release the doves!

http://hardware.slashdot.org/hardware/07/08/31/0235242.shtml

I did that too, by myself!, and I don’t get featured on /.

human contact makes me nauseous

thinking that people are mostly motivated by nothing more than what Chris was talking about.. sex.. penetration and exchange of bodily fluids.. makes me think of amoeba.. which makes me think of what those are… A single celled protozoan that is widely found in fresh and salt water. Some types of amoebas cause diseases such as amoebic dysentery.

dysentery… shitting yourself constantly…

it’s pretty much down hill from there.

Once again my idyllic romantic notions are dashed upon the rocks of realistic bestial desires of others… at least.. according to that interpretation.. maybe he’s wrong.. you are wrong aren’t you?
I think I will go puke now… and then go to the lake.. the lake doesn’t try to have sex with anything.

I haven’t been able to sleep the last couple nights .. just wouldn’t shut down… so I took some more Benadryl last night and had a pretty crazy dream… very vivid .. I still remember all of it.

So the dream..

Jon was with me and I was going to see someone I knew in their dorm in college… it was Candi but she wasn’t there and no one had seen her.  The dorms where weird.. like inside white cabinets above a hallway and then there was another hallway behind that.. some kind of optimum space saving kind thing.  So to get to the rooms you’d have to crawl up inside the cabinets and then back in to the hallway.. but that looked way too hard so I just called out in to the cabinet to see if anyone was there.

This girl answered my call .. Jon said something about her being middle eastern and she quickly corrected that she was Scandinavian.  She told me her name but it was pretty hard to understand and that came up later.  She had a friend with her and I never got her name.

This girl confirmed that Candi wasn’t around and no one had seen her… so whatever… not the first or last time that’s happened I thought.  Then this girl started writing something down which I thought was weird .. I asked what it was and she said it was stuff about me… that she wanted to remember me… so that was nice.

Then Jon and I were hungry and we were going to Applebees… but.. oh ya.. we were in Urbana.. so I said we should go to Chedders instead, cuz it’s way better.  Those 2 girls were still there and the other kinda liked Jon so I asked them if they wanted to go and they did.

So we went out and ended up hanging around afterward.  It seemed we had a lot of in common and were pretty affectionate from there on out.

Time kinda went on and I was in a dorm.. not a weird cabinet dorm.. and actually it was exactly like the room I’d stay in at my grandparents old house (the blue room for those in the know).. but you’d walk out of that room and end up with some showers down the hall.. so I went and took a shower.. came back to get dressed and this girl’s stuff was on my bed, but she wasn’t there.  Somehow I still didn’t get her name so I went to look at her license.

Turned out that her bag was filled with bank documents, credit card statements, social security stuff, and all sorts of other information of mine.. and because in my dream that Sabrina knew me and somehow knew her (through school I think), a bunch of stuff from her.

So Sabrina walks in on me basically going through this girls stuff.. but it was because I wanted to know how to spell her name properly… but she flips out, but then I show her what I found.. and she’s shocked and mad.. not at me anymore.

The documents had more stuff on this girl too… that her name wasn’t close to what she’d told me.  And while she was descended from Scandinavians, she was a mutt American just like the rest of us.  So this girl’s last name ended with a “is” or some kinda sound like that, but from the documents there was that part in the middle, but
ended with something like and “ee” sound.

So then this girl walks in on both Sabrina and I going through all this stuff… we find a ton of shit.. quite a lot of fraud… and stuff that was defrauding even my dad… so it was all bad.  Sabrina and I confronted her and she admitted to all of it… but with an ease like we really had nothing on her.

So.. it came down to this girl faking affection for me so as to defraud me, my family, and people that knew me… which would be all sorts of “shame on her” if this WASN’T ALL IN MY HEAD…

This all can be explained from real life of course.. shit I’m going through.. the Candi thing is she’s been busy with stuff and disappears for days.. weeks.. until someone hears from her again.  It’s her life and I can’t be mad about it, but it’s annoying to give people ‘another chance’ and then they disappear… reminding you of why ‘chances’ should be in 1s and 2s.. but w/e .. old news.. yet it still is an underpinning of my dreams.

School and Urbana fit together in my mind.. dorms that are sterile and tight and confining and worse yet shared with everyone else.. communal showers.. the horror.. I hated the idea of dorms and they scare me still.

The chick feigning interest in me seems to happen quite a lot.. maybe it’s just people being nice.. or what they think is nice anyway… but it’s annoying.. people should just not talk to me if they don’t really want to know me.. better for everyone involved.  And it really screws with me.  I know I’m not exactly normal when it comes to approaching .. well.. life in general.. I know that.. no shit… but if past experience should help dictate future behavior (we here at Me Myself and I, Inc like to call this LEARNING) then people doing this to me over and over really screws up my human relation compass..

… like last night.. pretty sure this girl I never met before wanted to talk but I blew her off at first… Adam went in to this big spiel about how I was “doing it wrong” after I told him it’s hard for me to take people I meet on happenstance seriously and have any kind of normal conversation… he thought I meant I was being shy.. so he told me just to think I’m better than them.. which.. well I do.. but that’s not deal anyway.. superiority isn’t the problem, it’s intent… their intent.. it’s what do they want to from me?  I’m confident and secure in myself as all hell.. and it really, honestly, doesn’t make any difference to me what some random chick at the bar thinks of me or anyone or anything at all for that matter.. I just don’t care about them.  But.. for some reason they want to know about me.. so.. I start in on it.. and then that’s it… I guess.. or something… topic was “where did you go to school and what did you study”… well we talked about her and then me.. her in depth and me briefly (which is something I’ve been trying to do.. less is more with people that are not me I think) .. and then that was it.. I bought her a shot later.. and Andy too.. and she thanked me.. twice… and nothin else.. went to go talk to the Mexicans.  Intent there I wonder?  Just fucking around.. making conversation… being “nice”.. so.. in the end.. I should have just gone with my first reaction.. leave me alone.

Because.. and I firmly believe this.. even though I don’t want to.. but it keeps hitting me in the face… adding more people to your life takes away a little more from your own life.. and some people are just NOT worth it.

so.. that’s awesome… I’m nuts.. and socially broken… and I reaffirm that in my dreams… no matter how well they start out they always end up in a bad situation of fear and anxiety… lovely huh?

facebook group called: Alucard would kick the shit out of every other vampire’s ass.

… yes that’s probably true.. although D would ruin him

first of all.. I’m tired as balls.. ballsing tired… piss poor excuse for awake… and so on… so this is all filtered through sleep.. or no filter.. whichever.

so I went to the Dr on Thursday and I was completely unimpressed with that Dr.. he poked and prodded me and then wrote some prescriptions and that was it.  He never said anything except “thank you sir” over and over .. oh and asked it I was current on my tetanus.. well.. fuck if I know.. you have ALL my medical records.. I don’t.  So I didn’t fill the prescription.  I just wanted to sleep.. and so I left about 3 or 4 and did so… until like 8 and then played wow until it was time for bed again.

Friday I was also tired…. but made it through work at KCM.  After I called Candi about installing office on her computer and never heard back from her all weekend… so whatever.. I’m trying to do her a favor and she doesn’t return my call.

Saturday was Doug and Sabrina’s wedding and that was a lot of fun.  Drinking.. dancing.. hanging out with all Jon’s friends.. good times.  I was wasted.. cold medicine + rum == donezor.  I think I killed about half the 1/5 of Captain too all by myself.. so that might had something to do with it.

Had some good convos about important shit with Caleb… talked to that Kristina girl some more.. sang in to Tom and Dan’s ties… fed drinks to Stephanie.. important stuff like that
then I stayed with Jon and twill down on the plaza.. we walked to Tom Fooleries from that hotel on Main.. that was a hell of a deal.. and coming back I made them go to the Falloon.. which we didn’t drink at cuz it was packed.. and so we left there and then headed back… even harder walk cuz of my sidetrack.. so that was teh awesum.

Got back and I was starving.. but wasted… and nothing was open… so we just went to bed.. slept next to Jon.. legs cramped up.. just one really bad.. still can’t walk right today.. god that rules.

Yesterday I just wow’d all day.. level 28 by about 1:30 this morning since I lost a day in there.  Started to get in to the Barrens and around there a little bit.. pvp’d quite a bit.. I was owning until they all got pissed and coordinated and ganged up on me… then I still got one of them.  Chris came and bailed me out for these two quests where there was a lot of Horde.. he just killed them all hehe… I had asked earlier for some help from the Guild and one of the dudes was given me shit.. like I didn’t know what PVP is.. so I just said “um ya, well I was looking for help.. but n/m I guess” .. jackass… actually there has been very little help from the guild except for those people I know… they are a PVP guild tho.. I doubt they give a shit about PVE in general.. and I’m not 70.. so I’m not important to them I guess…. so whatever.. Chris and Mark are plenty of help
now I’m at work … all pilled out.. uh.. non narcotic pills :)  Benadryl anyway.. ready to pass out at the keyboard. “you look like you are dragging” the boss says.. yes.. yes I am… so I have some tea here ima gonna drink… we’ll see about that.

I just got bored playing GW… it’d be more fun if I had someone to play with.. well that and I just don’t really like Elona.. Tyria was the shit and Cantha was ok.. but Elona… I just have a hard time caring…. maybe it’s cooler after you get in to more demons… but going it alone was just sucking… and I really don’t like my Paragon much.. she’s boring.

So I started playing WoW over the weekend.  Yes.. doing the dirty.  So I was gonna be a Mage or a Warlock… but then the only race on the Alliance side that makes much sense are the gnomes.. and I fucking hate gnomes… so I’m not gonna do that.  I can’t believe the Night Elves don’t get to be mages.. I would have done that in a heartbeat… but they don’t.  There are Blood Elves, who are possibly the coolest thing ever, but they are on the Horde side and Fasl and all those guys are alliance.. so.. no go.

So I’m still a Night Elf but I’m a Hunter.  They are ranged and they get a pet and they don’t do so well in melee, but drop the bombs from afar.. so.. pretty much like a Mage with a pet.  Usually I’d hate pets, but the pet system is pretty cool… so I don’t mind.  My pet is a cat from the Night Elf homeland.. I called him Shadowfang…. I haven’t seen anything good to replace him with yet.

I really like WoW.  I can see why they do so well.  I’ve played a lot of other stuff and just ignored WoW pretty much cuz I was doing other things… but you can really see how other games have taken stuff from WoW and how WoW is kinda the pure form or whatever.

The EFFECTS in WoW are great… the mechanics and all that.  And everything is pretty well refined.  The graphics are not all that though.. you can tell it’s pretty old and really made more for performance than other games like Vanguard for instance (which sucks btw:)).  But it’s still fine.. after a little while you don’t even see the problems… the effects make it all rather immersing… it sucks you in for sure.. which is great… it doesn’t feel dead and empty (like Vanguard).

So I’m level 21 Night Elf Hunter in the Globex guild for the Alliiance on server Netheren named Gangree (they look rather Gangrel to me, so I just changed the last letter).  I’m pretty going for for the Marksman (they call it MM in WoW) tree with only 5 points over in Survival tree… I haven’t done any in the Beast Master (BM) side yet.. but I think I’ll be going there pretty soon after.. I don’t think ignoring my pet is a good idea… but I don’t think going all out in pet will be that fun… so I’m just doing this.

So far I’m having a lot of fun.. the quests are pretty interesting and varied… even if some are “go here and see this guy” … cuz those are usually moving you to the next area.

I’ve totally had to use the Internet a few times though to find where I was supposed to go… quests logs say like “it’s to the northeast after the bridge”.. well they mean like WAYYYYY NE.. but from what I’m reading it’s mostly a Night Elf thing.. that other quests are much closer.  I just got a boost to running… +30% with Aspect of the Cheetah… it’d be nice to have a horse… but ya know… not until level 40.. so halfway there… the mounts that the Night Elves get are pretty cool.. big cats also.

So.. ya.. WoW.. and being sick.. and that’s about it.

ya I have no idea what that subject line means, but I’m on drugs.. so there.

drugs being Benadryl mostly.. mix of Mucinex.. and some Ibuprofen.  With Nyquil and Dayquil in there for the really tough ones.. that’s pretty much my cocktail for success there… mix all that stuff together and you’ll feel better eventually.. mostly cuz your body will stop doing just about everything that has to do with sickness
So I’m supposed to go to the DR here pretty soon.  I’ve seen sick since last Friday.

shit I guess I better leave.. more later

Nancy had mentioned that sort-ex Casey was on LJ so I typed one of the two 2 things I thought it would be .livejournal.com and I was right.. looks like she stopped blogging back in 2005 and started in 2003 or something just before she moved to WA.  I thought about saying hi.. but I think I want.. as Anne Rice says “what do the damned really have to say to the damned?”  so fuggit

stuff at Missy B’s….

- so lots of dudes didn’t have their shirt on.. which I guess makes sense.. if not a little strange to us hetero dudes… got me thinking though.. if it were ok, would chicks like be as naked as possible in “hook up bars”?  That would be equally strange to me.. so.. I dunno… it’ll be another mystery I’ll never understand
- also with all the popped up collars.. so I guess that’s nothing less than a mating signal according to my googling… they’ll seriously (if this is right) pop up their color to say “hey come get me” and then someone will come over and put down their collar and then they’ll go do whatever they wanna do… I didn’t see that stuff going on.. lots of signs everywhere telling people they couldn’t just do whatever in these bathrooms tho.. lol

- chick named Jannette (I think?) asked us all our names and asked us Jon and I our sexual orientation.. straight of course.. how boring I know.. but she was too.. went in to great detail about how “licking box” was not for her… so .. awesome I  guess :)  I also don’t totally understand the girls that go to guy gay bars alone.. I guess they are just treated really well.. their “meat is not for sale” or whatever… I guess.  She did make a point to say that she’d never go to a girl gay bar alone… so that non threatening atmosphere must have something to do with it.

- I was coming out of the bathroom and this dude was walking in.. he smacked me with the door a little.. accidentally.. very obvious we just didn’t see each other… but he apologized up one side and down the other… hehe.. how very polite of him… that would never happen anywhere else.

- oh and the bathrooms were seriously clean.. like no trash anywhere.. amazing.. no bar in a zillion miles could have said the same thing… like compared to Buzzard Beach.. holy crap.. night and day.

anyway.. just some stuff I noticed that was different