The Downward Spiral

that Allison Stokke is hot.. and she is… poll vaulting.. lol

some shizzle:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=184340207
http://www.youtube.com/p.swf?video_id=zasPlQYZEHw

…. I find this to be both embarrassing (for her) and hilarious all at the time time… oh man

click me

counterpoint to the previous… even though it seems like so much ends in sadness, it’s really not the case.. it’s just me focusing on the negative… in fact I’m positive that I’ve netted more good than bad over time…

which still does make me wonder why I dwell on it.. it certainly doesn’t make me feel any better… all I can think of is maybe it’s self defense… well that it is the “good” side of it.. the “bad” side is just me being sad.. and ..shit.. despair is my middle name when I can’t shake it.  Sure there’s a lot of good stuff going on in those times… my whole life is pretty damn awesome really.. especially if I were to go comparing it to others… but I seem to not be able to shake off some of this.

So to call it what it is.. it’s about new relationships with me… but hell this has been the case since forever.  In my youth I had a hard time even filtering people that didn’t really like me… but I was somehow fascinated with them.  At least I’ve gotten rid of that one… that was super gay… but since then it’s people that do like me too but can’t just go with it… somehow I’m a lightning rod for people like this.  Women who have been treated badly in their past and now flip it around on me… they treat me the same way that they were treated… and then feel bad about it… and this breaks everything.  What the hell?  I try talking about it.. try ignoring it.. and everything in between.. and it’s a no go… what like… 5 or 6 times now?  Totally fuckin rockin… I’ll keep the names to myself.

Al says the basic rule of his relationships has been “fuck drama”.  And I’m starting to see the simple wisdom in that.  The nice thing about hitting bottom is either people are standing right next to you or they are dramatic in their problem descriptions and can’t just call a horse a horse so to speak… it’s always something “way more complicated” .. which is bullshit… it’s not that complicated at all.. ever… shit look at me, I’m fucking putting it in to written words for any stranger to read.. so there :)… it’s an easy and useful filter.

it is rather a poison though.. this preemptive sorting of crap.  I mean that it’ll eventually make me gun shy… make me scared of starting anything… how do I know?  It already happened before I snapped back out of it.  That’s how I was when I got in to my married relationship… just said “fuck it all”… I was the damaged one…. and I never want to act like that again… bad… bad… bad… and not me… I remember our first date I was rather interrogative… horrible… and of course that came back to haunt me later.

.. but of course directly after that.. when I’m all better… enter the damaged ones… lightning rod I am.

It’s so fuckin gay… I’m sure I’ll go back to ‘fuck it all’… I’m not sure no what else to do… “gonna smash myself to pieces I don’t know what else to do” that’s what.. ha ha.. not really.. not anymore… I can’t fuck it all anymore… you can’t re-hit bottom .. or if you do it’s just like an old friend… and there’s no bottom anymore anyway.. once you lose everything you believe in and have to reinvent your life and realize that everything is kind of arbitrary in value then that’s it… either you stick it out and keep on keeping on or you blow your brains out… and I think we can all tell which path I’m on… I’m not going anywhere.

So… I’m kinda done growing… at least on my own… for the rest of this life, I’ll need others to help.  I’m gonna learn more about the world, be more me than me, but the only growing that’s gonna happen is investing myself in someone else that I really care about.. eventually being a father… but before that a good husband.. which I haven’t done yet.  I’ve learned, I’ve traveled, the world makes sense to me, people make sense to me, I’ve made a home, I have friends that I will always have, I have meaningful and lasting relationships, I have money, power, care, concern, love…

I mean I can grow on my own… but.. I’m not convinced I should or want to.  Becoming more of MERELY me in my own mind is starting to feel.. well.. somewhere between boring or sad and scary.  So I think need someone that I can pour time and care in to to that both loves that and can and wants to give back in the same way… ya… I think that’s right anyway.. maybe I’m just talking out my ass.. again…
But I believe I am comfortable alone because I am used to it.. and I know I’m comfortable with myself alone in the dark of both the day and “spirit”… and I could be a bachelor forever… but I don’t want to.. but… of course.. this is not up to me… that’s my next lesson I think… something to do with that…

speculating about the future makes me tired

It’s about that time again in my life where Tom knows best… hell I might as well just quote it all.

There’s always so much written about how you are supposed to act in order to illicit some reaction from the majority of people.  Well.. either I’m really shitty at following directions or I haven’t met most people… or psychologists are so full of shit they stink… I think anyone reading this knows where I fall.

This is how it is with most people I meet: be strong and the weak ones don’t know how to act around you because you seem too “good”.. untouchable… or admit your weaknesses and then you are just like the rest of everyone.. nobody special.  Seems like most people just want to not ever really admit who they are and role play the part of some idealized person… someone strong, but with some tragic flaw to make them believable.  The ridiculous part of this is of course I’m talking about REAL people feeling like they should ACT like someone that does not exist… read that sentence again… they do this in order to basically lie to people.

Not everyone is like this of course… I know those closest to me for who they really are and they know me… they know how I’ll react to situations and they look out for me and me them… and that means more than perhaps anything in the entire world.

Maybe I just have met the wrong people… but I’m getting quite sick of dealing with it… of course I say that and I’ll venture out again… put myself out there again.. to be hurt.. I’m sure… but I keep doing it… so on some level I want to do exactly what I am doing… the bitch of it is I keep not finding what I’m looking for… or I think I do and I don’t… but I think I do.. and get hung up on it… what a retard boy I am sometimes.

Anyway… Tom says it so much better in the last two songs of the Wildflowers album.

Crawling Back to You
Waiting by the side of the road
For day to break so we could go
Down into los angeles
With dirty hands and worn out knees

I keep crawling back to you
I keep crawling back to you

The ranger came with burning eyes
The chambermaid awoke surprised
Thought she’d seen the last of him
She shook her head and let him in

Hey baby, there’s something in your eyes
Tryin’ to say to me
That I’m gonna be alright if I believe in you
It’s all I want to do

It was me and my sidekick
He was drunk and I was sick
We were caught up in a barroom fight
Till an indian shot out the lights

I’m so tired of being tired
Sure as night will follow day
Most things I worry about
Never happen anyway

I keep crawling back to you
I keep crawling back to youback to top

Wake up Time
You follow your feelings, you follow your d reams
You follow the leader into the trees
And what’s in there waiting, neither one of us knows
You gotta keep one eye open the further you go
You never dreamed you’d go down on one knee, but now
Who could have seen, you’d be so hard t o please somehow
You feel like a poor boy, a long way from home
You’re just a poor boy, a long way from home

And it’s wake up time
Time to open up your eyes
And rise and shine

You spend you life dreaming, running around in a trance
You hang out forever and still miss the dance
And if you get lucky, you might find someone
To help you get over the pain that will come
Yeah, you were so cool back in high school, what happened
You were sure not to have your spirits dampened
But you’re just a poor boy alone in this world
You’re just a poor boy alone in this world

And it’s wake up time
Time to open up your eyes
And rise and shine

Well, if he gets lucky, a boy finds a girl
T o help him to shoulder the pain in this world
And if you follow your feelings and you follow your dreams
You might find the forest there in the trees
Yeah, you’ll be alright, it’s gonna take time, but now
Who could have seen you’d be so ha rd to please somehow
You’re just a poor boy, a long way from home
You’re just a poor boy, a long way from home

And it’s wake up time
Time to open up your eyes
And rise and shine

Cause it’s wake up time
Time to open up your eyes
And rise and shine

“This has been a story about people who were punished entirely too much for what they did. I loved them all. These were comrades whom I had; there are no better. They remain in my mind, and the enemy will never be forgiven. The “enemy” was their mistake in playing. Let them play again, in some other way, and let them be happy.”

… tears my heart out… people judge others so harshly… and it’s not fair.

“I don’t look like you. If you saw me on the street you’d say there goes another junky.”

No one deserves to be classified as hopeless.. much less used in such a way as the main character was… but that’s something I touched on before… the epilogue hit me harder this time.

This summed it up for me… well at least the main facet of the movie..

“Ultimately, A Scanner Darkly is more than anything about faithfully conveying the spirit of the novel, and more importantly, Philip K. Dick’s ambivalent take on—and relationship to—drugs and drug culture. The author himself was a documented abuser—his two daughters, Laura and Isa have even admitted that that their father’s drug use was endemic to his early death in 1982—and much of the film/novel’s tone and themes have been culled from Dick’s own experiences. It is part cautionary tale, insofar as it documents how usage can so completely addle someone’s mind, but tuned such that it doesn’t lord a stance of moral superiority over its subjects. Indictment instead comes down on the hypocritical, disinterested superstructure, which casts a pall of unending anomie such that addiction is almost necessary to survive life’s bleak prospects, and yet punishes transgression without regard to particular exigencies. So when one of the main characters’ mind fractures—I won’t say whose—the film clearly casts its lot on the side of drugs are bad; and it also, in the name of telling an even-tempered story, conveys the momentary euphoria of being in thrall to chemicals (without Requiem for a Dream’s incessant foreshadowing of doom). Graft onto the film whatever political allegory you’d like; among everything else, A Scanner Darkly is primarily devoted to gently humanizing and sympathizing with an issue that is too often sensationalized and abstracted. Linklater, as a proxy for Philip K. Dick, seems as though he’s out to understand, not to condemn. His film is sublimely, breathlessly touching, because it overcomes the nigh-impenetrable difficulty of imagining other people, and other people’s pain (with apologies to Elaine Scarry)”
– http://www.reverseshot.com/article/shot_scanner_darkly